Andrew's Wacked Out World

Perusing the LL tonight... I still don't have a profile up anymore... but lucky for me I can still use their shitty search engine. Don't seem to be a lot of new people... but I did feel myself slipping into the trap again. Thinking to myself, "hey, she seems interesting... she'd probably think I'm alright." Dangerous thought. That's what I thought last time, and that netted me 2 dates. Why would they think I'm ok now? They didn't 2 months ago...! How stupid am I? No, no... BAD. I tried it. It didn't work. Hope springs eternal.

I hate it when you're having an MSN chat, and then the other side just stops. No "I gotta go" or excuse. They just stop. It's rude, annoying and when I sit here for 10 minutes waiting, all it does is tell me that I'm not very important.

Much wife and husband talk... this is new for me. I'm now at a point where my experience lacks and I find myself with nothing to add.

I typed in "Vancouver Dating" into the google, and started surfing. After awhile, I realized just how desperate I was being, and quickly closed up that window. The link I provided awhile ago is now down actually, and tracking down one of those speed dating events really doesn't seem to be that easy. Whatever though... it doesn't really matter in the end. As near as I can tell, I have used up the typical meeting avenues...

Ok, so I think that leaves bar/club/party, co-worker (unlikely), and rowing club (not likely with current people). Thought about lawyer girl from last January, but after listening to her bitch and complain about guys shorter than her, decided that it was a bad idea (I am about 12.5 mm shorter than her). Also, her standards appear to be fantastically high, and I don't meet any of them.... except I like dogs.

I guess I was wrong in my assessment of gorgeous-halfie. See? I can be optimistic.

Today, I was asked TWICE, in less than 30 minutes whether or not I was married or engaged. FUCK THAT.

I cried on the way to rowing this morning which I was 50 minutes late for. I've definitely lost containment.

Now that I have another job prospect again, it's putting into question "my purpose".... has me thinking about why I'm here, again... about what I contribute (if I do)..., what I can contribute... etc. Yeah, having a little life evaluation here.

Either I'm getting more and more desperate (which is possible), or the women I know (especially) and random women in the street are interesting to look at... watch, admire whatever. Yes, I'm creepy too. It's different things about different people. Sometimes, it's obvious... some blond bombshell is walking down Robson... or maybe it's the women ahead of me in the line at Safeway with really cool glasses and eyes.... or when she's opening her wallet, she has nice hands.... or her hair is a gorgeous brown.... or the way she's interacting with the cashier or whomever she's with is cute... her teeth are just ever so slightly crooked... or she has pigtails!!! There are some simple beauties... maybe they're happy, and that's what I see. Yeah, I think that's it. Maybe it's not that I see their hands, or eyes... but that I can see/feel that they're happy at that moment.

It is common advise that we should all stop and admire the beauty around us. Well, I admire beautiful people. Yes, seriously I do... just as a sunset can be gorgeous, so can too be people... I am not necessarily talking about a woman who's about to bust out of her top, wearing fuckme boots and a short skirt... though, as a guy I can't claim that I won't turn my head to look.

Is anybody every scared to look at their own eyes? I'm not talking about trying to pull that eyelash out, but like LOOK at their eyes... It scares the bejesus out of me when I do. I can barely look at my own face in the mirror. Yeah, this is some serious psychological issue! It creeps me out... I sometimes don't like what looks back at me.

Had a 2 day work indoctrination session... met cute transportation EIT from the Kamloops branch. Gentle and subversive flirting for 2 days, and just on this last day, she mentions the b/f. Damn. She's the first female EIT they've hired in two years.

Isn't it interesting how that, at my age, I get asked about if I have a girlfriend or wife. I was invited to dinnner a few weeks back. He's an older guy at work, that I do lots of stuff for. He asked me if I'd like to come, to which I said yes, and then asked if I was bringing a girlfriend/sig other. Whenever I run into my parents/family friends they always ask me if I have a girlfriend. At last year's work Christmas party, they (all the younger'ish folk) asked where my "girlfriend" was. A few of the mid-'age'ish guys asked me too. Pressure? Yagh. Kinda.

But that's all OK. Fate is fate. I had no control over some of the happenings in the last 3 years... some people tell me they were meant to be. I find it hard to believe that someone not even 21 is meant to die, but... hey, who am I to argue? I may meet the most wonderful person tomorrow while standing in line at the BG... or I might get a kick in the sack. Who knows!? That's life I suppose. I doubt it though.

I had a conversation with my mother the other day. She is under the impression that I am absolutely honky-dory, and that I feel perfectly happy all the time. I must be really good at this then... cause she can't tell that I wave in and out of depression... cry weekly for this or that, struggle with dating shit, stopped coaching for reasons other than "to take a break"... if I can fool my mom, then I guess that I should be able to fool most other people.

I overheard one coop talking to the other. Holy shit, that girl has been on an insane number of dates! HAHA and I thought she was interested. I actually don't talk to her at all anymore - unless I have to. I have to take her out on a 2 day survey so, I had to give her the project brief. I went from actually being friendly and chatty, to almost total ignore. It was a bit of a change for the office chatterbox (me). I think she picked up on it. Stupid me.

All of the people dating, engaged to, and married to MY friends are fortunate folk. Why do I know so much gorgeous women?

It's all about opportunity. When you're physically desirable, then you're afforded more opportunity. You can screw up a few times, and still get the chance to prove yourself an OK fell'er. This is not saying that looks and personality are mutually exclusive. You can obviously be both, but that while a physical assessment can be performed in 10 seconds, it takes a lot longer for you to make a personality assessment (weeks, if not months or years). That's why LL was such a fruitless exercise. Since I wasn't making the grade from the pic, I was not afforded the opportunity to present any other things I may have to offer. I guess, in general, good looking people get better service, get better jobs, etc... which I don't think anybody can readily argue against. I'm sure there are some stats or studies to prove it. It is one of those - reality things that I need to just get over. However, it doesn't negate the fact that it is frustrating.

Yikes. That's 7 couples. I have listed the partner closest to me for my convenience. It does not include people I don't know really that well... but for contemporaries - add AK. That is the total for people who have got married or will be married in the next year or so. I also have the sneaking suspicion that I will be adding someone else real soon.

So my contemporaries are hitching and I am the only single person in my office of 49. Nice.

Privy to some conversations, it boggles my brain at the assessments we (men) are subjected to. Although, I am sure women would be boggled at our assessments. However, I have never made an assessment based on the colour of sock, or pleated (or not) nature of pants. EVER. From the sounds of it, they have. That kind of sucks - since I have worn both at the same time. True, this is a marketing game. I'll give you that - but it seems unecessarily harsh. No?

And why is it that people don't reply when you ask them a direct answerable question in an email?

Did THIS just happen? Did I just cede to internal political forces? and give up my spot as honcho coach? I think I did. Shit. I got chased, and allowed myself to be chased out by a 5'2" Pocket Guy. That kinda sucks.

New strategy for Halfie: I'm just not going to call her. If she calls me, then I'm going to make her set plans - make her work. If she doesn't call, then that's it. I think that's a plan.

I looked at this speed dating thing, and while there are a few events around town -- they look pretty dodgy. First of all, nobody stuck up their hand to be "wingman" and I sure as fuck ain't going by myself. I gotta have at least somebody I know there.

So, I think this wraps up Dating 2005. Score? 1 skittle. 2 (possibly 3) dates with Gorgeous-Halfie. Is that good? Oh well.

What the hell? Boone dies? What's the point of that? and goddamnit. WHAT THE FUCK IS IN THE HATCH!?

And I don't know if I can handle anymore dying. There's a scene where they tell Shannon that her 'bro is dead, and then they cut to the scene where she cries over his body -- hello, sympathy tears. Ok, so, it's dramatic TV, but... I know exactly how that feels.

So, I have date #3 with Gorgeous-Halfie -- IN THREE WEEKS! November 5th to be exact. Yes, I got penciled in. I am so enthralled. I threw out all sorts of times and dates and she couldn't accept any of them. I finally got an appointment in November. Gesus, it was like trying to book a dentist appt. at my mom's. This leads me to draw several conclusions:

2) She's interested only enough not to tell me to fuckoff, but not enough to re-arrange any other parts of her schedule.

I've been having a MSN chat with her for the last 30 minutes. It's about 4 lines long right now. I think she's averaging 10 minutes per reply. Must be busy... Have feeling she's chatting with the competition. She's still on LL and checking pretty much every other day. Based on my knowledge of how LL works, she's probably still getting daily smiles and exploring her multitude of options. I feel like the poor bastard little brother here that she feels sorry for. Ouch. My plan for #3 is to try my bestest and then give her the ball. If she doesn't return it, then that's it. I will not contact her after #3, unless she contacts me first. This is absolutely retarded. I think it will draw Andrew's Dating 2005 to a close nicely.

I've been found wanting by a 20 year old. Ouch. NEXT! Oh wait. There is no next. Shit. NO NEXT FOR YOU! A quick little search reveals this handy link http://www.vancouverspeeddating.ca/. Who wants to do it with me?

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby ii ii iii
Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true ooh ooooh
Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me ee ee eeh
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops thats where you'll find me oh
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dream that you dare to,why, oh why can't I? i iiii

Well I see trees of green and
Red roses too,
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

Well I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white
And the brightness of day
I like the dark and I think to myself
What a wonderful world

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands
Saying, "How do you do?"
They're really saying, I...I love you
I hear babies cry and I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more
Than we'll know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world (w)oohoorld

Someday I'll wish upon a star,
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney top that's where you'll find me
Oh, Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I? I hiii ?

Cried while watching Lost tonight. I was overcome with a huge feeling of romance.... the Korean couple and Shannon and Sayed started it! Strange... but I got so gooey that I started to watch Love Actually... I think I was trying to board a romantic flight of fancy -- only I don't have anyone to go on it with. Now I am listening to one of the tear jerkers... above - played with a ukulele -- same music they played when Dr. Green died in ER. SO SAD... Need hug. Want to lie my head on her chest, and hear her heart beat... to smell turkey hair... to have her stroke my ear... My mom asked me why I still wear the square silver ring. Yeah, she has no tact... It's because I don't want to forget, because I want to feel connected to the person who gave it to me. Course there are folk now with more significant rings which make me feel so low in comparison.

So many people have died in the last month. Will, Kirin, and Keeta. It feels grievously unfair. Not fair.

I am on a full-deal rowing break. Don't think I'm cut out for large group rowing.

Thanks to certain people, the optimism from 07 October 2005 was effectively quashed. This, as I understand, is a result of the instructions in 02 October 2005. This action is fair enough. I requested it; it was done. Although, I am bothered that some of my more important requests have gone unanswered. Regardless, gorgeous halfie will have had the pleasure of meeting me only twice in her lifetime.

I had one this morning when I got up. I had a fairly good turkey induced sleep, and I got up all warm and comfortable. I was going over what I had to do today, and thought again that I was going to be making a turkey dinner by myself. That's not entirely fair, but it sure feels like it. I think the most fun I ever had was making turkey with Christina. It was a friggin large turkey so I think we started at about 11am... so fun to cook with her... I remember this wonderful nap we took after about 3 hour of roasting... we both smelled distinctly of turkey. I remember being in bed with her, and smelling her hair which smelled like turkey. Think about this -- hair that smells like turkey! Is that cool or what!? Anyways, it was a nice wonderful homey experience. Keeta was there, we fed him garlic and onions... :) It was one of those first tastes of a possibility... of that warm "hearth" feeling you get from those moments with family... I haven't had a family for a few years now... at least not one that felt right... despite the disfunction of their marriage, I can't honestly beleive every moment was horrible. I can't imagine how anyone could think that ALL of our Sunday dinners were horrible... The whole family... me, sis, Keeta, mom and dad... 'round the kitchen table eating nice chinese food... making a mess, feeding the dog under the table... I miss that so much.

- a fairly mature outlook on the life thing and a strong desire to do this world well

- and <drum roll please> ... SHE LIKES STAR TREK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought I was going to pee myself when she told me I was so excited.

Conversation was pretty good lastnight. I divulged a little bit more of the mature sensitive moi. Not sure if that played out alright. She seems like a really nice person all around, and not the sort that would walk out mid date or deal with things poorly. So by that token, I can't really tell if she was entertaining me or was actually have a good time herself. I could spend hours looking at her face though... She did ask me if I had ever dated someone from rowing. Then, we touched on how we both wound on on the LL... interesting. I have to continue tempering any expectations with the realistic probably that this will go nowhere pretty soon. I walked her home to Fairview(!!!! SHIT, that was deja vu) and ended the date standing about 6' apart. I briefly flirted with going in for the hug, but was chicken and she intiated closing remarks while standing that 6' away. There was no commital to "next week" or anything else, but a fairly weak, "see you again soon?" Not sure what that means. I asked her if she wanted to go to the UBC Apple Festival next week, but she's out of town. Damn. That's the best date I have in my arsenal.

So, what the hell do I do now? Do I continue pursuit, or test her by seeing if she contacts me?

I am thinking about buying Keeta a bench to go in the park across the street from my old house. I think my dad might like that.

Ok, keen readers, one request. If I ever show any interest in dating, dating related things, stalking, online dating, speed dating or anything that comes close, please discourage me and tell me I'm being stupid. If I ever mention a name and say that I think she's hitting on me, I want a kick in the nuts. STOP ME. Don't ever let me think anyone is interested. Unless she is actually in the process of asking me out (like I am on the phone, and she is saying "let's go out"), it is just me trying to be optimistic and creating false expectations.

LL was an abysmal failure for me. Based on other folks experience, I do believe that I've had the lowest return ratio. Give me all the excuses you want but at the end of the day my picture just did not do enough selling. Perhaps my profile could have been tweaked here, there or everywhere, but based on how the decision making process of my female LL participants, I am not convinced that would change all that much. What was that line from a Knight's Tale? "You have been weighed, measured and found wanting." Ouch!

Wow. That month just flew by. Still shocked about Keeta. I think this may take about as long to recover from as Christina... though, I'm still on that road. Guess, I have two paths to travel now. My dad sent out an email the other day to all his friends. I think it's the nicest thing he's ever written about anybody. I got it at work, and I burst into tears. Only one of the admin assistants saw me cry though. Here it is below along with more cute pics he sent out:

For those of you who had been to our Elm Street house? and be BUGGED by Keeta during the Dragon Boat years, I am sad to inform that Keeta had died on Monday morning from not being able to survive a major surgery to remove a tumoured spleen. He was 11 years old.

He was no dumb blond even he tried to pretend he was: he? would only steal the whole loaf of bread when nobody 's around the kitchen. Nobody could resist to offer him treats when he put on his famous begging trick of alternating twitching his left and right eye brows.

Keeta had been on my side 24 hours a day for the past few years. He never complained about the boredom of crouching under my feet while I worked in the office, waited for me outside Arbutus Club while I swam, slept beside my bed at night. He never held any grudge on occasions while I got mad at him for stealing food. Keeta was always happy, took life as it was, made friends with everyone. I wish all people can be like him. Let's all wish Keeta rest in peace.

Man, was he not the cutest thing ever? I think the horrible picture of me is the day we brought him home. You can see sharp puppy teeth and all. I strongly dislike feeling this way. Add to this, this W.E. guy who was missing and found today (last night?)... was one of Christina's classmates. I find it sadly ironic that he should pass away in some fucked up similar way as Christina. It blows my mind as to how the world can be robbed of such good people (and dogs). This is uber sad. I was at this industry mixer lastnight, and ran into this girl who's name I recognized. I asked her if I knew her "what year are you in?" She had actually already graduated from Mech, last year, and she was actually a MUG organizer. I pulled out of leading a group because of Christina's death... and had to send that email. I don't think she made the connection, and as soon as I realized who she was, I didn't really feel like making it for her. They were talking about W.E. at work lunch today... just about how sad it is... that he was engaged and such... I felt like telling them that I knew him, and then I am all too familiar with this sort of accident. Didn't think it was too good of an idea though.

And in other news, like I said, my profiles are now fully removed from LL -- sorry Kdix, but I couldn't really tackle the continuous soft rejections. Have female friend who's smile count must be verging in on a 100 by now. That kind of sucks for me. I do acknowledge that it's highly different for guys, but geez... if that's the sort of response that someone can get... and all my smiles fit on about 1/2 a page. Well, I guess it's not the venue for me. I think I'm going to try Speed Dating next. I did have a date with gorgeous halfie last Saturday. Things went well enough for the 90 minutes or so. Conversation was fine, and she ended by saying that we should see each other again sometime. I sent her an email a few days later, thanking her for the company, and that I'd like to see more of her. Yes,I wrote that instead of see her more. I didn't realize the double entendre until an astute female friend of mine pointed it out. Oops. Anyways, there was no response to that email. Her opera starts tonight though, so I suspect she be a fairly busy gal. The date itself was pleasant, and she's uber-UBER-UBER pretty. Not sure whether or not to be aggressive, as she has definitely not been. I could be stupid and "test" her and hold out patience, but then that would be stupid. Once again, I believe that the final truth shall be revealed when I push her for a rejection and be done with this birthed online exercise in dating. So that was that 2 month exercise. I think I spent probably $30 on the whole thing which I guess is the cost of 2 movie nights and some candy. I am somewhat skeptical as to why gorgeous-halfie is online in the first place. She could pick up anyone she damn well pleases. Why would a 20 year old be even remotely interested in me? Something's wrong...

I want a wet slobbery kiss that smells like garbage... and I WANT HUGZ! I miss hugs, from Keeta and Christina... and everyone.

No more puppy... This makes me very sad. I spent a few hours at my desk crying and all teary today. Suffice it to say, today was not exactly a high productivity day. I haven't felt this way since Christina died. It's really hard to describe the sort of inner pain crying over somebody you love causes. It wasn't the sort of crying I did at the wedding, or when I'm feeling particularly bad about myself. It hurts a lot more; it physically hurts more. Having Keeta really represents to me a different part of my life, and one where my family was together (although, that might have been fake), but when it was and things were in a sort of stalemate with my parents. At the least, they had Keeta. Perhaps, he was a uniting force? He represents all that was good about my family... there are so many memories of the 5 of us in the family room just chilling... watching TV, reading the paper... he was most definitely part of the family. He was the only one who would be happy all the time... My best memory is when I came downstairs after hearing about Christina and he was lying there... and I gave him a big hug and cried into his stinkyness... Probably didn't know what the hell was going on, but it sure was nice to have him there with me. Otherwise, I'd have been alone for awhile until Karolina got there... and then my mother. There will be more dog postings to come... I mostly feel sad for my dad cause he really was my dad's best friend. I'm not sure what he'll do. He loved him more than any of us. He'd never admit it though. We don't have very many pictures of him as a puppy which is sad.

Keeta had his spleen out... Pops says the vet was optimistic so, that makes me feel a lot better. I'm still a bit sad though, but I don't want to be needlessly sad if the pooch manages to pull through. What a wonderful doggy! There for him whenever I needed him -- like when I heard the news... and really the only one who seemed to care when I took him on 4 hour walks through town during the darker days of my teenagerdom. I think having Keeta was something really important to my growing up. I mean having a pet really teaches you some stuff...

So, he's having surgery today. This makes me sad... I don't want him to go. I love him.

Ok. Did it. Have de-activated my LL account. No more of that. No sense in torturing myself anymore than I do on my own. Don't need to have other people help right? This venue is not good for me.

Stupid me for reading too much into situations. I don't think the coop student was hitting on me. She's just young, and trying to get along with everyone in the office. I can't believe I'm now the leacherous old guy. Sweet. It takes a pretty good amount of ego and arrogance to think that someone is hitting on me. No? I mean geez... they're just being friendly. Although, I am the only single guy in the office (full-time, the other coop student don't count). Funny that eh? I can't imagine how I'm the only single guy in an office of 49... that's fucked. I guess this is what happens when my ego gets too big.

The coop student sparked some thoughts in my mind when discussing the now absurdity of her hitting on me. She said, "I never knew an engineer could be so good looking and tall." That brought a whole wave of sadness for me. Of course Christina was gorgeous, tall and an engineer. There were 2 engineer married couples at work, and I have another one in my programme. The one in my programme are great and cute... they're nice and I like them both a lot. Perhaps, it is some fixation in my mind, but I find that I really do like the kind of women that wind up as engineers. Even the one at work who HATED the civil stuff... she was great, and very different from her counterpart Keen's grad... different, but alike at the same time. The coop student has some of those same qualities. I admire ingenuity, brilliance, curiosity, and a good nerd. Heck, even one of my rowers... who else can one discuss Euler's formula with? Unfortunately, the good ones were all taken awhile ago... given the limited quantity of female engineers, one can expect that their population declines as tempus fugit. My bud got married 3 weeks ago... 2 next spring... throw a few LTR's in there and I'm left with a whole lotta nothing. Yep, feeling sorry for myself.

Also thinking that I should have taken that break after WMG. I can't deal with the shit anymore.

That said... it REEKS OF SKUNK! HOLY SHITFUCKER! My landlord's crazy-ass Jack Russell went ape on a skunk and killed it outside my window. It REEKS. I think I'm going to puke.

Oh yeah, also... I've reached that down cycle where I want to give up on everything again. This LL is especially disheartening. True dat I have a date on Saturday (will she show?), but really what the odds? I've been up for nearly 2 months now and will have had 1 date by Saturday... I've sent probably nearly in on 100 smiles total. I have received a few in reply, and then sent mails to NO reply. I have probably sent 6 mails out as replies, and nothing... why the fuck smile when you aren't interested in replying????!!!! Yeah, I figure I can't write gud mails I guess. To think I used to think I was good at letter writing. Oh well. Options right now are to take myself down.... and go back to the old fashioned rejections.

I hate it when things happen that send me over the fence in a bad way. Even though this date thing was a misunderstanding, I'm still left feeling a bit sad. Not sad really about the screwup, or the wee diss that I felt initially, but that I'm actually doing this dating shit. Ok, so I cleaned up my place today and went through some Christina stuff again... that and I wrote two letters to friends telling them how much they mean to me which has left me a tiny bit emotional. I miss my best friend right now. I miss being vulnerable...

Either this girl is incredibly smart and mean, or I'm just plain'ol STUPID. Had a chat with her, and apparently, I got the wrong Sunday. So, we chatted, and now we're on for next Saturday. Location and time are confirmed. Huh.

I think I've been burned. I just got STOOD UP! I waited for 30 minutes at the appointed location. No show. So, I had dessert by myself, and wrote some work stuff on the napkin. At least I did something the tiniest productive right? In other news, I noticed that the coop student is now on LL; that's kinda funny. If she's done any searching at all, she's probably already found me. That might make for some awkward moments at work no?

Observed at the place, 2 girls having some cake... platinum blond, both of them, driving a Thunderbird, and one of them was probably nearly 6' tall. Anyways, they're chatting away about fighting with the boyfriends or something when the tall one receives a call. She takes it, talks for a bit... and then hangs up and starts BAWLING! and mumbling something about not wanting to breakup and not letting the bastard do it. She goes outside and makes a phone call. Comes in and bawls some more... and then says to her friend that she's going right over to his place RIGHT NOW even if he doesn't want her to, "to talk this one out". Yipes.

The needle budged slightly. Gorgeous halfie emailed me to say she was super-uber busy, and that she did indeed want to meet me. Left the time frame vague. My response was to ask her for a coffee date at 3pm on Sunday afternoon. No response. Excellent.

I wonder what the hell is it with girls that "smile" back, and then don't mail back when you send them a note. My emails must suck.

I really dislike coming home from work at 8pm to absolutely nothing. Only 1 email received from my explicit request for advice from days previous, and of course no action on LL. Have decided that I'll just slowly send smiles to absolutely everyone between the ages of 20 to 30, and eventually I'll hit someone that will exchange more than 1 email. It truly is a girls' market out there. This is having a mild effect on my confidence. I can't even interest people on the internet!! fuckers. My conclusion is that the picture + profile is that I'm not competing favourably with my peers. The email contacts I did make stopped cause I got beat out by more interesting/good looking guys. So, I'm getting beat, which kinda sucks.

I counted tonight. I'm 4/72 for relationships... in LL. So that's 4 responses to 72 sent smiles, therefore 5.1% success. In "dating" things are a bit better at 3/36 for about 8%. Don't check the math. These up to the moment LL updates must be exciting for all you all. Here goes.

1) Halfie = sent ultimatum email requesting f2f. Ball in her court. Very nervous

3) New to Vanouver girl (new on this list) = smiled, so I sent mail. Not read yet.

5) Crazy Asian Girl = responded to my mail. My response sent. Read but no response.

6) Allibeaniebaby Girl = I have a phone# of all things. She seems very ambivalent - not particularly eager nor cold. Not sure when I even got a #, since I did not request, or hint. I'll call this week.

Ok, so I've moved to the MSN chatting with gorgeous halfie. Had a 20 minute chat with her tonight, but it was obvious that I was not receiving full attention in that msgs were minutes between. I think it is fair to say that she has scads of guys messaging her, so she likely had 19 chat windows open. The question is... WHAT THE FUCK NOW!? How aggressive should I be? I MUST MODERATE expectations. Can I just ask if she'd like to meet up? Point blank? I think that would be the easiest decider of things... Yes, no? Answers here people. I need answers. I mean obviously success will not be found with everyone, and I know that. I would feel better about things if I weren't rejected on the basis of my picture, and/or profile.... so being rejected after f2f (face to face) interaction would be better for the ego in terms of how the rejection was had. I mean, I have her MSN contact, and we don't really know each other... I am doubtful she'd randomly message me, but can I message her for the "how was school" bit?? isn't that aggressive? Creepy? Annoying? WTF. This is kind of like which sex should do the asking. I am ALL FOR the girl asking. Actually, this is JUST like that argument. I'd like a fair shake over a coffee on a nice weekend afternoon. Know what I mean!?

Mental note to self, the A/C actually does sorta work even with the engine off. As in, I think the compressor runs off electrical power. Sat for 90 minutes in the car on the ferry, and sons of bitches no juice when I went to start the engine to leave. So, yes that was me holding up the 5pm ferry from Tsawwassen -- had to get a boost from a helpful ferry worker.

This weekend was my first ever participation in a wedding for a contemporary. It was different from previous Summer wedding attendance in that I am/was very close to the bride, and somewhat (partially) involved in some organization. First off, it was the highest honour to be a part of her bridal party. While people made fun of this stuff, I am coming close to understanding how important it can be to have your friends and family witness a marriage. Not to say the 3 people standing on the beach is any less, just different. Having witnessed the ceremony from 6' away, I come to realize my romantic inklings and ideals really are true -- or perhaps CAN be true. I did a lot of crying on the weekend for various reasons. Primarily, my best bud from university got married! and secondarily, it brought back some memories of feelings long ago lost.

Lined up at the front of the ceremony, I turned to look at my friend, flanked by mom and dad at the top of a set of stone stars and underneath an elegant stone archway. She was simply beautiful. My friend of over 6 years, now being walked down the aisle. This the girl who I followed to Chem 151 every morning for 2 terms... but really the girl who held my hand through the most painful time of my life. We have shared a lot of laughter and a lot of crying together... we walked each other through relationship woes, school crisis', bitched at each other... smiled, hugged, stored shit for... and I don't know what else. That all seems so long ago... that I talked with her outside McLead 1... or outside the Civil Dept. offices... about some truly difficult things... or long ICQ conversations about *stuff*. Now... up a set of stairs... getting married. HUGE smile... and an amazing set of eyes. I lost it right there... though, I don't think anybody really noticed and the "honour guard" can't be sobbing can he? It was, to my eyes, perfect -- a moment that she had planned for 16 months was finally happening. I don't think I could possibly do justice to looking up at the couple and seeing their eyes as they went through the vows. These eye things really do say a lot. She married a man she wants to spend her life with... to do the family thing... she's found her partner in crime, her co-pilot. That is an amazing and wonderful thing. Not that I had anything to do with it, but I am proud of her.

I am very careful when I use the word Love in the context of people. I love mint chocolate chip icecream, but unless I really goddamn mean it, I never tell people I love them. However, over the last 3 days, I think that I love my friend that got married. She's amazing. She gave me the most amazing gift that was thoughtful beyond words. I won't forget what you've done with and for me. I'll always be here for you.

Beyond the happiness that was teh wedding, I had some difficulty dealing with my own thoughts. 2nd Dance with daddy... bride with dad and groom with mom. You should have seen her dad -- a huge smile just like her daughter. Apparently, they can both dance too! Which was fun to see.... but it just brought back what Christina's dad told me about his wine cellar and the case he bought for our wedding. He will never get to dance with his daughter, never make a speech at her wedding, never give her away... we've all been ripped off from this. How more can proud can you be? He will NEVER do this... and I'm sure he thinks about it. It makes me sad, because there was so much happiness on Saturday night. SO GODDAMNED MUCH!!!! I had to step out and cry. Then sometime later Brown Eyed Girl was playing... and I had to step out then too. Christina loved that song because she called me her brown eyed boy, and she was, of course, my brown eyed girl. If there was any song she'd make me dance to, it was that. I walked outside, and if I closed me eyes, I could still remember what she smelled like, what she was wearing, and where we were the last time we danced to that together. That was fun... (!) but at the same time so long ago.

I am still not comfortable spending time with couples... and now that people are getting hitched, married couples. I can't help but feel left behind. Yes, it's not a race, blah blah, but it is incredibly difficult to fight those negative thoughts as that is where ALL of my immediate friends are headed. I often talk to my best friend at work (who's leaving!!!!!) and ask her about her thoughts on dating, and such. She almost can never help me except to listen. Why? She got married almost exactly 1 year ago to a man she dated since her 2nd year of university. Yes, she's lived the dream, and didn't date much, and have too many relationships and can therefore not help me at all. Ditto her Queens buddy, and my friend, ditto the cutest planner on the planet, and every other person close to my age. Nice. I am completely convinced that none of these couples can remember what it's like being single. Of course, they will claim that I don't remember what it's like to be in a relationship. That is probably true... but I do remember being a bit more stable, and not feeling nearly as lonely as I do during the lows.

2) Liar assistant, emailed me to tell me she was going to vegas, sucked at the email thing, and gave me her phone#. I might call next week.

3) Halfie... we're on day 5 of waiting for a reply. She's been online since my email... so either I'm getting an epic tome, or I've lost her interest.

I've had 2 people "return smile" me, and 1 person cold smile me (to which I smiled back)... but no mails. I think they think I'm going to put credits down to mail them. This really is a girls market... at least in my situation. Nobody has sent me mail without me sending (and spending) first. Has any other guy had girls actively chase them? or just my patheticness requires me to chase them?

I drove around the breakwater(?) in Victoria before I left for the ferry, and I had a long cry. It's really pretty out there... pretty in that West Coast - kinda cloudy, and windy way. But SO gorgeous nonetheless. A trip to Victoria to be a tourist would be really fun I think. It would be a good date weekend type thingy. Yes/no?

Tomorrow is Christina's Birthday -- would be 24 years old. <sigh> HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVEY!!! Almost exactly 6 years ago RIGHT NOW, she and I were walking along English Bay from Bard on the Beach to Kits. It was a lovely walk. I think I had just recently progressed up to holding hands a week before that. We walked, and talked - had a fascinating conversation about the scariest movie evar - Event Horizon - and how I have never actually felt more scared and uncomfortable in my life. We shared that experience together apparently. Anyways, things so were wonderfully in that honeymoon stage. We sat on one of the benches by Kits at about 11:50pm. We chatted for an excruciatingly long 10 minutes, and at midnight I kissed her - our first kiss - my birthday present to her (along with a screw driver set, and book on time travel). That was a wonderful evening. I am happy to carry it around with me. It was a moment that we shared, something special I think.

I had a wave of sadness pass over me last night during rowing. Just about an hour earlier, I was bopping along in the car to Dance like an Egyptian. Funny, how fast my feelings can change.

My whirlwood trip to Montreal... Basically my mom need a date, and I was it. She was welcomed as a Fellow in the International College of Dentists with about 40 other people. It was a pretty stuffy event, black tie, tix and everything! I don't believe I've ever had to wear a tux twice in 1 week, but 2005 is a banner year! Anyways, I am quite proud of the 'ol mom. Neat to see her in a professional context.... though she'll still always be mommy. It does leave me with a strange inkling to be a dentist though. Here's another career that seems to run in families: doctors, dentists, engineers and importantly, teachers. I find that really quite interesting.

I would have liked to stay in Montreal for at least 1 more day. I only got to walk around briefly, on Saturday afternoon. I walked up to McGill and it was crawling with 1st year fresh meat. The hills were alive with the sound of nervous laughter. Ok, it was actually quite a pleasant on the eyeballs. Woo for the French! There were so many "wolf" packs... gangs of 1/2 a dozen women (17? 18? 19?), wearing really not very much. Some of them were being followed by gangs of guys wearing their frosh t-shirts which appeared to have a Superman these this year. What was really quite great was the energy out there. The whole city feels different and alive -- much different than when I was there in November 2003. Granted, there was snow on the ground at the time. It felt good. Kids... just starting out the best years of their life. They will do so much growing up, and they were on day 1 of this little journey. They'll fall in love, get dumped, have their hearts broken, maybe go to class, share good times, be sad, and maybe they'll have those wonderful days when you're so happy your face hurts cause you can't stop smiling. They, us, we are so full of promise. Was I looking at Canada's PM in 30 years? Maybe? One just doesn't know. It was awesome. I do miss those promising, wide-open days when I felt able to conquer the world.

I am thankful to Steve for playing what he did on Thursday -- beautiful; she'd be honoured.

Things with the ex. are over and done with now. I think. Good thing I never showed her this site or else I couldn't bitch about her here. Although, she had any real stalking skills she could have found it through any number of search strings. I, myself, can find it a number of ways. I tells you that the 2nd breakup was not the most fund I've ever had on a Sunday night. Basically, the worst conclusion that could be reached, she reached. "Let's try again... even though I did the worst begging - EVAR" She couldn't accept how things had changed so fast (ie 6 weeks) One of her principle arguements was that I hadn't known her long enough and that it wasn't fiar to make this kind of evaluation at this time of dating. While I think she has some great life travel experiences, I don't think she's got enough personal ones. Oh well. I get the feeling that she doesn't have a lot of close friends... ones that actually know her. She seemed very protected.

Have done the LL thing for a month or so now, and I have had a scarcity of responses. Here is the list.

3. BFA holder, Liar Assistant - 1 email exchange, and waiting for response, 3 days.

4. Halfie, singer, musician - only got a smile on Friday, composed response today. Will see how it goes.

5. Fish researcher... 1 email exchange, and now she's gone for a week somewhere. This one seems very nice.

Have a moderated excitement about the haflie because she's gorgeous. Her profile doesn't read like we'd be too comptible. We'll see right? I changed my profile picture. I also have received differing feedback on the profile. All say that it does a good job of describing me - they all agree. Yes, I am fabulous... but one party says that it reads too fake, and that I should leave'em a bit more curious. The other camp says that it's fine and that someone truly interested in the type of person I am, will bite for it. What to do?

I have a friend who I've decided has the best hair colour ever. It's brown, not dirty blonde, not black (brown), not mouse, not auburn -- BROWN and dead straight. I really like it! Great naturaly colour. :) She knows who she is. BTW, the girl with the awesome jawline -- Alice. People watching really is quite fun. I've spent some time looking at eyes, and there some really neat colours out there. They're enough to drive a guy nuts! Some women really do have beautiful eyes... they wouldn't be nearly as nice looking without them. I dunno... <shrug>

No response is the worst response of all -- this applies to all things, online dating and my request.

That said, I think I did a very good thing yesterday. When I was hitting the 'ol shrink, one of the good suggestions she had was to think of this like a box... that I put away most of the time, and only open during special times. This was not to say that I should hide it anywhere, just put all the memories, pain, happiness, in it and look at it when I feel I need to and then when I'm done, I can put it back in the box, and away again. I think that's kind of what I did yesterday. I sat under said tree... ok, said log behind said tree, and went through my Christina box. You know, the letters, the cards, the souvenirs, the movie tickets, etc... had a great 'ol cry, and then my friends showed up. We didn't talk about Christina really, but really it was good to know that while I felt so bad that I had these people just come and be with me. It was just that simple. That's all I wanted, and needed. They were there because they care about me; then we went to DQ. :) Thanks guy and gal! Miss ya always.

I am considering changes jobs. There's a job opening at the Gorge Rowing Club, yes in Victoria. Big cut in pay and a big'ol step sideways and backwards. Hmm.... thoughts?

It didn't get any more fun today. I found out that my best friend at work is moving back to Onterrible in September. That makes me real sad. :( She saves my sanity on a daily basis! That and she's 5'10" and used to row... I was almost at a point of convincing her to start rowing with me. Damn. Work has the perfect storm brewing... many disenchanted employees and a management team with their heads up their butts. She's gonna be the first to start the trend...

Ok, I just sent out 20 smiles in the dating section. I added it up and I'm batting 2-3% return rate. Woo wee!!!! I actually had two people give me their emails, but after a brief exchange with only 1 of them, she stopped. One didn't ever return my email after I had just sent her one. Strange... but hey, like I said, 20 smiles tonight. Shotgun approach time. Sent them to every girl listed that seemed even slightly interesting, even to the ones that look way out of my league. Yes, the ones with "I'm so damn good looking, I have no problems finding guys. So if you're ugly fuck off" I declare myself a big LL loser thus far.

Have been remembering this week from 3 years ago... Sick like dog from bad sushi... 20 lbs of weight loss from dehydration, the cipro and the resulting light sensitivity. Ugh. This week in my life will never really be remembered all that fondly in general. It's tough shits! I have this memory of seeing her on I C Q on the Sunday night... and msg'ing her... I guess that was the last message I ever sent to her. <sigh> That was when my stomach started churning... I can't actually remember how I found out that she was missing. I think her parents told me. I also remember spending a long evening into the wee hours at Karolina's... talking... and threatening to go up to Kitimat to look for her.

Went to my first (and likely last, stagette) this weekend. Damn! It was a good time! I have to say that I really enjoyed spending an entire day with 10 or so women. :) That really was not too bad at all. Kayaking was fun, and I think that I'll have to incorporate that into the 'ol date idea toolbox... and then the picnic was a nice way to spend some day cooling down in the shade... and the truck limo was awesome! BP at the end of the night was perfect... All in all a fantastic weekend. I am so happy for the bride, and hope that she had a great time -- it sure seemed like she did.

Only quirk in the evening came when I broke down and had a little cry while everyone around me was giggling, laughing and dancing up a storm. I was talking to someone whom I used to have a crush on - way back in 1st year. We were recounting how that Summer went. I wrote her a letter (yes, one of my FAMOUS letters), and basically told her that I had a crush all Spring and that when she got back in September, we'd see where we could take our friendship. Of course, later that Summer I met Christina... and we all know what happened there. It brought back such an incredible flood of emotions. Here we were at the stagette for someone I met in 1998. So much has changed since then... we've all gone through some relationships, won fights, lost them... failed a class, graduated, got jobs.... "grown up"... and who knows what else. These two are the people I started my real life with... that are still my friends (both engaged)... they've been with me through everything. I just remembered back to that Summer... and how I felt about her, and then about Christina.... how much goddamned fun that was... the nervous energy and how affected my life was after that.... then the girls and I (up to that point) were having SOO MUCH FUN! I was at one point wearing a veil and pink feather boa... no water wings though... here she was having a 'fricking fantastic time for her "last fling before the ring". Huge smile plastered on everyone and everyone plastered. :) It felt so fun, energetic, happy... and then I started to well up. This is something that she'll never get to do... <sigh> So, I cried at a stagette.

Thursday is the 25th, and in addition to it being my sister and and Lester's birthday, it's the day Christina passed away. I am fairly sure that I will be with her family that day, but I am thinking on the 24th that I would just like to see everyone. Not for dinner or anything else. I just want to see you. Maybe at Jericho? I saw everyone on the day we found out, and that convergence of friendship, caring and love was tremendous. I'm asking for that again. Don't have to stay long... or make awkward talk. Hug, handshake, whatever...

Continued lack of love from LL. It's very hard not to put any cred to the fact that I'm not getting any interest. Yes, it's stupid online dating. But come on now... Am I totally unfortunate for those out there in "normal" land? It makes me think that I might be. All of you have been entirely supportive of me, and have aided in my profile tweakage and I REALLY appreciate it. I still find myself struggling with getting past the 1st post. Of course, anyone who meets me will instantly fall in head over heels, it's just that first hurdle right? Even for meeting people IRL (in real life, for those who don't speak nerd), I find it difficult to get past that first cold introduction. When the last time some random girl came up to flirt with me was... I don't think has ever actually happened. Ah, but you say, what about the rowing coaching? Yes, well... I do meet lots of people there, but I am always operating from a position of authority. I'm a coach, an exec, or whatever... so I HAVE to talk to them, and they HAVE to talk to me! How does anybody not get frustrated? Maybe my standards are too high? Well, my LL standards at first were VERY high, and now I'll "smile" anyone who even seems remotely interesting. Still - no responses.

I survived the 10th alright. This has been the least painful one to remember so far, and I suppose it will get easier as time goes on. I still went to visit her after rowing, and left some flowers. I had a little cry there, and a big cry at home, but spent some significant time remembering all the fun we had.... it's still uber sad for me, but I try very hard to concentrate on the goodness... about how excited and nervous I was when I asked her out, about how we were in Halifax (how romantic!) About how I got applauded, or how Kat was there to give me a hug... <sigh> Please remind yourself of how I still feel HERE. It's all still really shitty, and I can't get over how unfucking fair this is. She was not even 21 yet. NOT EVEN GODDAMNED 21!!!!! And here I am at 25. There still seems to be a part of me that doesn't think I am worthy of living longer than she did... There are some days when it all still seems not real. The dream component can still happen right? Can't it? What sort of person have I turned into in the years that I've been dealing with depression, and starting my own life? Am I better? Worse? Or can you even think of it like that? Was it a defining turning point in my life? You best your ass it was. Everything changed after that... Then... I was lucky to have felt that way, and she was lucky that she did too, at one time... right? no? In the last 18 months, I have had 5 friends either get engaged or married. This is only the beginning... and while I am reasonable enough to know this, comparing my life path against my peers puts me somewhat behind in the game. This is not to say that I couldn't meet someone tomorrow, and be married by Monday morning, in Vegas, by Elvis... but... still... it's so hard NOT to compare. Yes, yes, this is my life, blah, blah... I gotta live it myself (and I AM!) but the paranoia that I'm eating dirt at the back of the line is difficult to shake, since at one point, I was way out ahead...

Still no love from LL. Tweaked up the resume... err... profile. 1 week from yesterday to go.

August really does suck. The weather is awesome, and everything reminds me of ... well.... everything... <sigh> Would enjoy a nice roadtrip (yes, another) right about now. That was the goddamned best time of my life. Girl in bikini sitting beside me eating a peach while driving through fruit country -- lovely.

Ok, to the suggestions of many folk, I added a "dating" profile that is moderately tweaked from the "relationship" one. Sent out a new flurry of these dorky "smiles" thing last night. We'll see what kind of response that gets from the ladies. My confidence is flagging. This kind of affirms to me that my hypothesis about 1st glancing impressions are really the key to getting anywhere. LL is all about the 1st glance, and quick read. I really can't tell all that much from some of these stupid profiles, and TRUST ME, my standards have been steadily declining the whole time during this exercise. On one hand, it is just clear that they are just not interested in me, and that from my pic and profile, they just aren't interested. It's just that simple. Oh wait... did I just draw an analogy to job hunting? Yes I did. This is JUST LIKE GODDAMNED job hunting. If you think it isn't, you have to get your head screwed on right. The medium certainly makes even MORE like job hunting than it did before. My profile is my resume. It's pure and simple. They put up an ad, I respond with a resume. They read resume, and decide to give me an interview or not. So far, I've had lots of simple flat out rejections. I am wondering if I would bother to have a simple email exchange with anyone (heaven forbid) that smiles me... even if their profile wasn't all too clear on what they were about. Not sure. Based on my assumptions about the way the evaluation process works I am drawing some conclusion:

When will I meet someone whom I will inspire, and inspire me? When will I care about someone as much as I cared about Christina?

Maybe it's the time of year... but I feel like my entire self is lagging... this LL schtick is really not helping though. Missing her a lot today. I came home from rowing, made lunch and read the paper by myself this afternoon. That was good and sad. I also watched the remainder of Love Actually, and all the deleted scenes. That movie just makes me feel so cathartic. Errr... not quite right. They all get this catharsis at the end, and I feel that I haven't got there yet. It does make me sad to no end though... but there seems to be a mild glimmer of hope.

I am taking on the writing of an integrated stormwater management plan -- the whole damn thing is my responsibility. Yikes.

I have seen 10 (including myself - DAILY!) of these 13 folk in the last month. This was 6 years ago. Wow.

I still have that hat... and those jeans. Oy! Pigtails! she has pigtails! So GODAMNDED CUTE!

This online schtick is not going as fantastically as I had hoped. Others seem to have garnered quicker and more voluminous results. I am trying to figure out what the difference is exactly. Have had a few people read over my profile, and nobody has suggested anything that was akin to hanging a "I've got baggage, and skinny fingers" sign over my head. So, what gives? I think it may be due to the shiny forehead in my picture, or the fact that I stated that I'm an engineer. Also, maybe the chineseness... Not aware of any people that have described me as physically attractive on first glance. I know that all those out their in the network think I'm cute (sometimes) but I think that's more related to the fact that you know me and are my friends and support. Found a teacher who liked baking the other night, and tried a bit of mail banter about baking but that didn't work. That was about the closest thing I found.

A lot of these women are scary... and horribly specific in the physical wants department. I have read a few guys' profiles and none of them say "blond, busty, and 5'10"" required. Although a lot of womens' profiles say "fit, broad shoulders and taller than me in heels (6'0")" Huh.... that's not really that fair is it? Maybe I should put "1/2 asian, 5'9", a bit sporty, and should be able to weld" as something I want. Yes.... maybe that will work.

Anyways, have sent out a dozen of these stupid smiles, and got nothing back. How long am I supposed to wait? And how young and old is too young and old? Lots of women are stating a "must be older than me and under 33" or something like that. Well, I don't think anybody older than me would think about dating a messy housekeeping, sesame street sheets using engineer. Would they? Perhaps, this online thing is more superficial at the beginning than even the "bar scene" so to speak. I really enjoyed reading the profile that said something like "I get smiles all the time, send your backstage pictures. If you don't, I'll ignore you" Nice. Sucks. This was not the boon to the ego I had hoped it was going to be. This is chipping away on my shoulder. Why? Cause everyone else I know is doing better than me. Who said I wasn't competitive?

Another engagement in the wide world of me.... <sigh> Congratulations to lovely couple!

Have finally decided to try the online dating thing... so far the only things received have been from the service itself, trying to sell me more services. This is moderately discouraging. Ouch.

It's been a busy weekend... and last 2 weeks or so. Lastnight was S P Y O Alumni event. Playing in yesterdays concert was terrifically fun (despite sweltering heat), and reminded me much of why I like playing music. Moreover, it was very nostalgic to look around the orchestra and and see all the faces of yore, smiling, and playing (trying to keep up more like it!). Again, it was difficult to look at the horns, and not see Christina. Every single horn lick sent a shiver up my spine; it was quite creepy. I held it together the entire time, which was pretty good of me, though at the end of it all I just wanted to cry my eyes out. During the slideshow, I wanted to cry too... many pictures of friends, groups of friends, and more friends... of good times, of fun times... I made it into but a few, but more than the individual specific content, it was the feelings I know were encapsulated in those pictures. I felt like making a little speech, but knew that I would have not made it through without turning into a crying ball of goo, so didn't... but I've said again that S P Y O had a profound impact on my life, and I owe a lot of my support network to it.

I went to the first of many upcoming weddings today. Never really thought reality would catch up to me but somebody I am really good friends with got married today. I suppose that it's bound to happen, but for it ACTUALLY to happen was a little surreal. First off, congratulations to the lovely couple, and I wish them all the happiness in the world. I held it all together for this one too, but nearly lost it during reception speeches by mom and dad where there were much tears. What can I say but it was clear to see that they're in Love? It brings much inside happiness to me to know that my friend has found someone with whom he will spend life together. Another 2 people have been made just a wee bit better by being together. Ok, now that I'm writing this... I'm thinking about the day Christina's dad showed me his wine cellar with a case in it for... well... yeah.

So, there is only 1 more thing for me to do. I've been to a funeral, and wedding for somebody close to me. Next up, babies. That would just about complete the life circle for significant human events.

Edmonton... how do I stop feeling responsible for their performance? I AM. No other way to slice it. How can I care about so many people, and not go crazy? Must I stop caring? I can only handle so much investment load... just how I am going to remain effective when more people come aboard is going to be a great challenge. How I do that, and NOT lower my personal coaching standards? I still think part of my effectiveness comes in actually caring. THAT is my motivation, since it's obviously not the money or the glory.

A little digging around in my computer found this picture. Much sadness and tears... I miss that. Don't ask me what is in my left pocket... I have no idea. Is it me or does my jaw look really angular there?

It's back.... I don't really even have any work problems this time. The churning, burning and gurgling stomach is back... the empty pit feeling... constant butterflys. Yep. The feelings are back with a vengence. I've had 2 thoughts this week which I haven't had in a long time. One was to quit coaching again, and the other was to crawl into a dark dark hole. On the coaching front, I am not sure I can sustain this level of dedication over the long term, and with more people coming onboard in August. I am not even sure the addition of coaching personnel will alleviate my issues. As near as I can tell I have built myself a reputation of a highly dedicated coach... This is good and bad. I am not sure that they quite understand how much it takes from me. Maybe, I'm just burning out... that could be it too. So, 2 weeks ago was a high. Now is the low and it sucks.

It didn't actually occur to me that tonight would be difficult in anyway until I sat down. Ok, so I was lacking my euphonium, but it all felt pretty goddamned real to me. The last time I sat down at a S P Y O rehearsal was sometime in 2000, at some recruitment night. And the last time I sat down at a rehearsal as a member was in July of 2002 when things were just beginning, and things were very different than they are today. They played LOTD, and for some brief moments, all those memories came back of workshop in 2002. It was much harder to sit through that piece than I let out -- much crying on the inside. Sat beside a keyboard player, and she tried to point out a horn player that wasn't there... but all that I noticed was a very certain horn player wasn't there... but I looked anyway -- maybe it is still just a dream...? No. It wasn't. She wasn't there. Missing her more lately. Not sure why.

I can remember my first interaction with her at workshop. I was coaching at Masters early mornings at Thunderbird, and that morning I had baked a spice cake. She was sitting with the rest of the horn section, which at the time was only 3 people... I think. She didn't accept my offer of spice cake. I was moderately dissapointed. Oh well...

It was neat to see the new generation of kids be exactly like us. They flirt, they tease, they chat.... <sigh> I remember how good those times were (and also bad times then...) and what sort of difference they made to my life. There is a certain sadness that brings the 'ol tears when I think about how much promise I had, that we had... Somebody asked me how many kids I had today. Ugh.

Proud like Papa. Open Crews ass-kicked at BC Champs. What can I say? They did well for themselves.

I sense a somewhat cathartic time coming up for me even though I've been feeling pretty good lately. I think August approaching is having a bit of an impact on the 'ol psyche. I just need some kind of emotional release. Don't know where, or how... just that I think it needs to happen. What I need is a shoulder to cry on. I am moderately worried that the same sequence of events that ocurred last August will happen again this August, except with a different set of friends. Then, I took took much out of the friendship and wound up with nothing, and I think it could happen again.

I am off from the 15th to the 2nd. I think during that time, there will be a period in which ALL of my support network will actually be present in Vancouver. I would like to try and organize a large get together where I can see all of you in one place -- for a GIANT GROUP HUG! Is this doable? I want a picture with all you all - nice framed up real big. Want to put it right above my desk. I'm still feeling moderately sad, but OK. Does that make any sense? I know that I'll be OK, but I guess these little 30 minutes before sleep is when I feel like I miss her the most. Damn. She was gorgeous.

My rowers are off to their first test of the whole season. The last 8 months have led up to this point, and will lead to the next challenge in Edmonchuck. I am feeling nervous about this. Just really emotional about it... I want them to come off the water happy -- last or first. It is about having their best race ever to date. Really it is. Everyone likes to win, but I'm not convinced that's always possible or the real goal.

I am feeling a little sad, but very OK. Picture above taken nearly 6 years ago. <sigh> While I still miss her more than anything, I will say that life is pretty good these days. On a continuous basis, I am feeling good about myself. I may have finally found my way out of the little tunnel I've been in for these past 3 years or so. My job feels under control 90% of the time, and like I've written a lot lately, I realize more than anything I have a huge safety net underneath me. Everyone has been so supportive and been there for me, when I didn't really want to even wake up the next day. When I didn't think I was worth the lint I pulled out of my bellybutton, you(s) told me that I was a good person. Today be the first time I cry for her in a few months. Don't know why... I am just really coming to the idea that my life will move on... and that I WILL BE OK. My little dating fun was just evidence of this. I realize that I'm not hideously disfigured or even that much of a jerk! Just a little one sometimes... :)

I'll never forget her and will always Love Her. I guess it's just that simple. She will always be my first Love; nothing will ever change that.

During the little talk I had on Monday, she tried to tell me that I didn't know what it felt like to be dumped. I almost got mad at her for saying that -- like angry, and I don't get angry that easily. I felt like telling her that I have been through a heckuva lot more than her in terms of riding the emotional roller-coaster, and until you speak at a funeral for somebody who didn't even get to turn 21, SHUT THE HELL UP!

Ok, you know why I'm still the best at this? Despite my current non-single status I still manage to update on a monthly basis which is WAY MORE than I can say for any of the other Sputnik bloggers. HAHAHA! So take that. Not much has changed on the work front, except that I should be starting my own project in a week or so. Yes, I am managing the whole damn thing. FUCK, I am screwed beyond belief. I hate being responsible. Anyways, so that's good I suppose. That and I think I'm valuable enough to a point where not only are my skills transferable, they would probably WANT to retain me because of all the money they've invested. HAAHAH TAKE THAT! :)

Have come to some serious and good(?) realizations over the last 3 months or so. I still often think about my darker periods. When I read my entries from awhile ago, I often wonder just how I could have let myself drop so low. During those times when I was feeling down, and people would email me, and tell me things about myself that I would completely discount, I can now see sometimes. I don't suck. Huh. Ok, I fall down periodically, but I really don't suck do I? I am not the worlds most horrible rowing coach, engineering or friend. That light at the end of the tunnel just got a lot brighter. I think I will make it out of this. I am good on my own. I made differences to the people in my life, and I am strong... ? Is it possible for me to see what other people see?

So in other news... I almost twisted myself in a knot and voted for Gordo. HAHAAH. Yes, in all seriousness I did. Really... Yes, I am moving away from my socialist roots. But then... I kicked myself in the ass and voted the other way. Anyhoo, why I considered it in the first place is that work is SO goddamned busy, that I thought I couldn't take the chance the the Gummint wasn't in part responsible for some of it... and whether it was economic policy or just public preception (I think the latter). The company is just printing money, and LOTS of it is coming from MoT. We have 3 sections of the S2S to manage, and I have 600 hours of detailed culverts to design. YES, MOTHERFUCKING SIX HUNDRED HOURS!!!! and nother 400 or so of construction and environmental tied to that... FUCK. That alone is worth nearly 68k. Gesus H. Christ. That's going to lose a few more square inches of hair.

Continuing... I am also feeling fairly confident at the coaching right now. Feedback has been mostly positve. I am still making shit up as I go along, but I'm finally finding the groove. My people interactions have improved. Most notably, I am finally seeing improvement in my crews. YES, results. Also, I have been doing a good job (maybe too good at this point) recruiting the novices into my programme. I just may be a good coach. Crap.

Ok, I've been away for awhile. I'll admit the girlfriend (yes, I can safely use that term) has been taking some time, and to be honest... well things just seem better. I don't want to attribute the improvement in my outlook entirely to her, or the relationship but it made me realize some things. First and foremost, (I think I've written this before but I can't say it enough) I realize that there are SO many of my friends out there in "my corner" so to speak. For the first time in awhle, I felt err... sensed that all of you are and have been behind me this whole time. I have so much support, and can't even begin to recognize and thank all of you. I feel totally behind the ball in terms of giving back what all of you have given and continue to give to me... It really does warm the 'ol heart to know that I have friends that care so much about me.

And dumbest thing EVAR - spilling an entire bag of frozen peas all over the floor.

So, I have a date tonight... she's coming over for dinner... I took lastnight to crack open the box, and did some reading and then some crying. Girl sure could write...

When I think back on what made the year special, I think of you and the times we've spent together. I think of our trip to Whistler during reading week, our trip to the beach in the summer, snuggling up in your bed, fighting over the covers. Then I think of the Future, and I think of you again and I feel warm from the inside out. It makes me want to do nothing but hold you close for hours on end and stroke your hair. I love you.

I wonder if I'll ever tell her that I have this thing? I guess that really depends on how long things last. I am having some weakness right about now. Don't know what changed since yesterday when I was feeling really positive about things. Right now, in fact, I feel like I'm just about getting nowhere and she's going to come to some realization about who the crazy guy she met last week actually is... My perception of myself seems to be a bit different than what other people perceive. Some people tell me that I come off as extraverted and confident but I feel introverted and self-conscious. What the fuck is the reality? Some grey spot in the middle... Seems that lawyer girl noticed that I was in a fan-fuckingtastically good mood during Sunday morning practice and was flirting big time with me. Why does it always pour when it rains? So the blinddate girl (BDG) is in medschool, and does a whole buncha volunteer stuff... works at a library on the weekends, etc... I feel really unaccomplished beside her... maybe she'll figure out that I actually hate my boss and it spills over into sometimes hating my job. It probably will tend to make me seem unambitious/negative which I KNOW is a big turnoff/no-no. Huh.

Throttles at dead slow... and I like it that way.... and they'll stay that way until I can't stand it any longer. Things are going well with this experience so far. We're up to date number trois which will be tomorrow. I have thoroughly enjoyed all the time I've spent with her so far, and she seems receptive to my flirting which is quite exceptional. She has some qualities that I find similar and it's actually kinda scary actually, but good too. She's getting more attractive everytime I see her... :)

Had date numbero trois. Throttles have been advanced slightly to SLOW. 11 hour date today with so much talking my voice hurts. Things are going pretty well. There was a lovely awkward pause as I dropped her off at her car tonight. I did absolutely SQUAT except give her a hug, and skip away... :) I think she was expecting something else?

It's been awhile... busy the last few weeks. Have been involved in the potential startup of a relationship. I actually had a positive blinddate experience. NO, I did not tell her about my blog. Let her think I am actually CORAZY! Which someone might think if they were to read this thing. However, the start of a possible relationship did prompt me to reach back into the archives of my oldest emails to August 1999. I'd even look at my ICQ logs from back then, but I haven't fired up ICQ in closer to 2 years now... I had to look at how I was when I last really had a serious stab at this relationship bidness.

Only dating for 3 weeks... Those were the best times... I spent that Summer coaching, and hanging out... and rolling into that Fall term at school really was the bestest thing ever to happen to me.

On a far happier note, I wanted to thank you for making my 18th birthday so special. :) These last few weeks rank among the best times of my life. It's so strange that it has already been that long, but at the same time it seems as if we were just sitting outside of that gym in Halifax a couple of days ago. I never expected to find someone with such similar interests and sensibilities, someone who I think really understands and appreciates me for me, someone I really like an awful lot. I was always afraid of having to choose between someone and the nerdery, and it is relieving (sp?) to think that you'll be happily seated at the nerdery too {:P}, and that I won't have to make that choice; it's a scary thought that the nerdery would probably loose. I know that I've said this before, but I think that you're going to be stuck with me for quite a while because I certainly don't want to loose you. If only everything else in our lives could go as smoothly... :) Noone knows what the future holds, but I certainly hope that you're in mine somewhere. I know that that sounds incredibly cheesy, but there's no other way of putting it. Or maybe I should just repeat the wise words of "I'm game if you are". :)

I am having a sad remembering day. I was thinking about this SPYO thing coming up.

Wow! Do we all look different now or what? I've really ground down since teeth since then.

Wouldn't it be kind of cool to round up all these people again? Just one more time? Though, I think it may just be too sad for me... Just thinking about it brings about an incredible sense of loss. I can tell you exactly what I did later that day, after this picture was taken. I made my first introduction to Christina with a classic "Hey, you're going into Engineering right?" It was kind of just starting to rain, and she was just lining up to get on her bus.

On the ferry... I love this picture. The one above the most, but the one below a lot also. I still don't think I've had a better few days then the ones the preceeded the one where the picture below was taken. Like the relationship above, the one below faltered and eventually ended, due, I would say, in no small part because of my poor decisions/actions. Don't really talk to the people below anymore. One of them avoids me, and the other one will say hi, and that's just about it. This despite the fact that I poured my heart and soul into coaching them for 2 months. I shared a lot with them, and got harshly rejected. When the shit flew, they couldn't handle it. I overloaded the relationship. I think this was the first time... no the 2nd time I've done that. I really didn't think it was possible...

Despite some fanciful support by certain people, I am still not convinced that I want to stay coaching. It is a lot of responsibility... and I'm more than just a little confused about the whole thing. There are suitable replacement options out there. Although, the best one isn't going to be around on a permanent basis.... which is kind of shitty. When I sit back and think about how the hell one would attract a coach to do this job, I think it's impossible. The first thing to realize that this is entirely voluntary. There is no money here at all. Technically, there is, but it covers gas and parking expenses and that's it. I effectively pay for the pleasure of doing this. Let's think about this.

- 3 times a week during the spring/summer/fall, 2 hrs at least per session, plus regatta weekends. That's for on the water sessions

- then I probably spend another 2-3 hours/week working the 'ol tp and planning out practices. Yes, I do do that!

- rewards include, politicks, getting talked back to, disdain, jealousy, and strained friend and coaching relationships

- positive rewards include, seeing people get better, helping others achieve their personal and athletic goals, interacting with athletes, and meeting people.

In some aspects, it sounds great, and in others, it really does sound like it sucks. It's just overall stupifying. Why on God's earth would I stop doing something that I look forward to every week?! That's right. I must be crazy if I think that! I'm just a whole helluva lot of corazy. I need to temper the ego I think mainly. While important, I am not that important to the people in my programme. I can do all the tp'ing and yelling I want, but it is still their life and decision. I don't make them do things. They choose to do them. HAH! How would my leaving affect them? Am I being dissed when people are going for outside help in all things? It's happening, and I know it is. I actually would like to know why.

I think that I get too close to be effective. Actually, I think that's a big reason why I have these problems. Close is good; too close is bad, and I get too close. It's burned me once and err... maybe a few times actually. I never seem to learn! Part of why I think I am effective (to a point) is that I do get close, and so I do care. I mean what other reason do I have to care? I am not being paid, so I better as hell get a personal interest right!? I mean if I were making cashish at this, then I think things would be different.

You are a RPIG--Reserved Practical Intellectual Giver. This makes you a Rock of Gibraltar.

You are loyal, kind, thoughtful and conscientious. You're a good person. You make everyone around you happier and better, even if you yourself are not at your happiest or best. You just care so much about your friends and loved ones that you can't help giving them everything of yourself. It can wear you out, but you'd never let on.

You're successful, smart and fun to be with, but your self-esteem could use some boosting. You don't like conflict, and you don't like demanding things for yourself, so you can feel unappreciated. But then you wonder if you don't deserve to be appreciated. You do!

You have many small crushes, but it takes you ages to get to a serious stage with someone. You get so caught up second-guessing yourself and worrying if the other person really *likes* likes you that you never dare to make the first move. Generally you end up with another clever RPIG who knows one when s/he sees one. This adds up to one long courtship. Fortunately this also adds up to one long marriage.

You would never cheat. You would never hurt anyone's feelings. You are so sympathetic and give so many second chances that it takes a lo-o-ong time for anyone to get on your bad side.

Your only problem is you can be *too* thoughtful -- you can end up worrying and getting hung up over nothing.

You may be a boy scout

I came up with the perfect person to replace me as Open Coach. Not my personally favourite person, but she's keen, motorvated, and wants in on the action at teh Club. Done AND Done! Now, I just have to ask her.

Ok, ok... so another friend got engaged lastweek. Shit. And tonight, I had a wonderful conversation with another friend about future nuptial potential... this from someone who I thought was going to be committment-phobic forever - obviously, she's not. It does feel like I'm the only one not at the party. While realistically, I know I'm not... emotionally, it feels like I am on the outside looking in. It kinda sucks. Patience...

There is someone among us with nearly the most elegant and delightfully sharp jawline and cheekbones, I've ever seen. I could probably stare at her lower jaw for hours and not get bored. Couple that with an awesome smile, and a cynically charming personality... and she's quite a pretty girl! But yeah, I can't get over her cheekbones and jaw. They're quite simply elegant! Not quite sure how to describe it properly. Anyhoo, I'll just leave you folk guessing as to who it is. She already knows who she is. I can't hold back a compliment like that! It was simply too good to leave unsaid.

Lawyer girl showed up at rowing on Sunday. My excitement was attenuated by the number of boats I had on the water and the drills I had lined up for the experienced folk. I couldn't spend much time with her out in the battleship. Not sure if that turned her off. She came off the water early, complaining about the wind. While it was windy, it was not something that would severely impact the row. I think she's a bit lacking in the 'ol rowing confidence. Doubtful that I will go anywhere with this one. Though, it was exciting to think about it for awhile. Had that new target in novice, but I don't think I will have enough exposure to her until July, and by then I will be up to my eyeballs in World Masters preparation. Holy shit, I am taking crews to an international competition. Just when the fuck did that happen!? Oh yeah, I have some perverse idea that I am going to personally get back into rowing in time for headrace season and stroke an 8+. Yes, I will have to bucket 7 and 6 seat to get a starboard stroke. BOO YAH. As I said, it's just a perverse idea right now... I'm not nearly fit enough to make it through a headrace. ALthough, I think it would do my ego good to prove that I don't stink.... Also, it has been approximately, 8 years since I stroked an 8+.

I wonder how much my rowers think I put into coaching... After hearing Spracklen give his take on the mens 8+ start, I've been thinking about re-jigging their starts non-stop since Saturday night. I've also been dreaming about drills to do, and visualizing their stages of improvement. I'm plotting out their improvement, and thinking about what things i can do to help them at each stage. I'm also trying to figure out a timeline so that everything is done in time for them to do their best in Edmonton. Do I have no life, or does this just mean I like doing this? I wonder if i took my coach for granted? I think I did... Huh.

I still can't get over that whole comfortability thing I was yammering about a few posts back. It still really hurts to remember those simple joys.

Yes, tomorrow is yet another Hallmark Holidays, blah, blah, blah, commercialized... yada, yada blah blah... Right? I challenge every cynic to pick ANOTHER random day in the other 364 days of the year to do something especially romantic for your significant other. At the start of every year, just pick a day... and heck, if you're smrt than pick an obscurely signficant day, like say your first kiss, or the day you admitted that you Loved her. Buy chocolates on the 15th (save some $$$) and give them on the 16th! Shit... it really is just that simple.

I was reminded today that Christina also did not believe in this VD stuff, but had another day in February that was significant to her (and me) my birthday... and we passed that with much good times this year - Thank you ALL! but tonight, I find myself with "something in my eye" when I think about this. I have a box full of cards, letters, and things collected over our time together, and I am scared to look too deeply into it. Every now and then I have this idea that I want to read the things that she wrote me. I want to read the heart-shaped letter with a handdrawn rose in it... the last thing she sent me. I haven't read it since September 2, 2002, and I'm so afraid, even to touch it.... I have birthday cards, Christmas cards... all with the loveliest things anybody has ever written to me, that I'm afraid to read. Then again... she did write them, and at one point she did feel that way. What can I say? I miss her! So, should I get rid of them? Should I look at them every now and then?

Why are people so damn stupid? I have a couple of things to cover regarding some engineering projects

Ok, so the RAV got rammed through... fine, I can deal with that. Even though, I still think it is still one of the more ill-conceived routes they could have picked... it's going through, so might as well do a good job of building a bad idea. Actually, NO, wait... Can some bright bulb tell me why it is still so hard to get to Poco, Pomo, and Maple Ditch by transit? If you're going to spend a few BILLION dollars, on rapid transit, it might as well go somewhere useful. Airport to downtown? vs... say downtown to Maple Ridge? Hmm.... Even those supports of the project must admit that the Government was blowing shit up your ass when they said it had nothing to do with the 2010 games. Who the fuck do they think they're blowing? Oh yeah... the S2S is also ONLY being built for safety improvements.... Yeah rawght.... Actually, no I think the S2S was rolled into the bid. Anyhoo.. back to the RAV line. So the big thing in the news is about the cut & cover down Cambie. Now, did people HONESTLY think that they were going to TUNNEL where they didn't need to? Cut & cover, while making a mess is more straight forward, IMHO, cause it doesn't use any funky technology or some boring machine imported from Norway - just a lot of BIG ASS Excavators, a lot of dump trucks, and plenty of fatass steel plates and other good things... So Cambie businesses are bitching about how it will disrupt traffic and all that... Yes, that's right it will. Did you think about the business it would bring you AFTER it was built? HUH? Stupid... and how the hell on this God's Green Earth do some C O PE Councillors think they can get Ravco to change to boring? Yeah... um... sure it costs EXACTLY the same and not a few hundred million more.... It's not like just changing your mind on what you want for dinner. The costs have already been estimated, and yada yada... it's way too fucking late to change. And do you really want to pay for boring? why do people think this shit is free!?

Speaking of free... are they STILL arguing about the overland/tunnel route through West Van for the S2S? Nah... ain't got much to say about that... except that the Transport Minister has a woody for mega-projects. Twinning the Port Man? SAY WHAT!?!?!? Just how the hell are you going to get the proposed 5 lines (1 way) of traffic into Vancouver?!? Smart planning this is NOT! What I have learned from hydraulic deisgn is that as soon as you open up a bottleneck, you are fucking yourself downstream because you'll flood out everything else! You start a chain reaction, and pretty soon your whole goddamn downstream network is flooding like a son of a bitch... and often you are constrained downstream by some hard limit. So...yeah, you end up fucking yourself if you think opening up a bottleneck is going to fix EVERYTHING. Not to say, that it won't help some areas... but you gotta plan for downstream effects.... Like umm... Knight St. is a fixed limit. Grandview/12th also fixed.... Hastings... FIXED... hmm... Running out of places to go! New West? Braid St. is not exactly wide. Shit.

Oh yeah, so there is an OUTCRY about the lack of barrier on the Patullo. Now... who owns that bridge? Translink does... Wait... when it was built Translink didn't exist... so how did it come to pass? Oh... right. The GUMMINT gave it to them.... So now it's Translink's fault there isn't a median barrier. No... it isn't MoT who built it.... or maintained it for several decades. It's Translinks fault... Yes, yes it is... Then you see why does the Gummint offload responsibility to Translink and the GVRD who are building Golden Ears bridge to replace the Albion ferry.... and then go ahead and say "FUCK YOU!" We're going to expand Highway 1 and the Port Mann. You're either going to have to offload responsiblity completely or do it yourself. Speaking of MoT... man that place is so devoid of engineers now, it's pathetic. They farm out everything, now including the review process... which I find to be highly questionable...

I think one of my biggest pet peeves are people/media that jump on certain issues without really thinking about it. It REALLY REALLY annoys me that people think all this shit is FREE. They don't have a true appreciation for let's say the cost of boring a tunnel through rock... or building well... ANYTHING.

As the Liberals gather force for the election, look for more bitching here. Coincidence that they found so much cashish all of a sudden? Just 90 days before an election? I dunno... Oh yeah, they're nearly into their 2nd mandate, and ARE STILL blaming the NDP for shit they promised but didn't pull off.

I just realized that I had dated everything 2004. Fuck. Ok, that's fixed. I've been slacking on the posts lately, and mainly that was a function of things going very well on most fronts. Of course, the 2nd was my birfamaday and that was a successfully negotiated challenge for me. Things with the parentals went well, and the family went out for dinner. Things seemed almost "normal" for the few hours that the family was together. I can't really think about it now without breaking out into tears though. It brings me a certain amount of sadness that the sort of family interaction that I crave and miss happens twice a year, and under the pressing circumstances of my or my sister's birthday. Each one of them would have liked to have separate outings. That's not quite true. My dad would like to see my mother.... but anyways, I figure that since I'm the product of both of them that they should BOTH be there for my birthday. Too 'fricking bad... but some of what's good about me did INDEED come from my MOM and my DAD... so, they can each bite me when it comes to hating the other one. Dinner was grand though... things were good, and they just serve to remind me of what I've lost in the last 3 years. On the otherhand, my mom got me 25 scratch'n'wins, and I won a whole $6!

It just seems that I can't endure the highs without corresponding dropouts to the lows. Like I said, my birthday was great... and Friday night was good too. I had a good time, and felt really supported with the turnout, and general supportedness, hugs and flowers I received. This is by no means a negative on anyone, but something still felt missing. I suppose that something will always seem missing, and that I have to try and surround that gap with the other wonderful people in my ife. I just can't help but always notice that gap (it's a big gap). I went to checkout the 'ol BB today, and while logistically it's a bit difficult to squeeze into the 'ol Sunday schedule... there are other reasons that I don't do it anymore. I don't recall discussing it before last year when I left, but the behind the scenes reason is that it's painful to do an activity that Christina and I used to do together. They were sightreading Both Sides Now - Joni Mitchell... and it took just about every bit of latent strength not to run out of there crying. Can't explain what triggers there were exactly, but some music/sounds just have some strange overwhelming emotional effect on me. I can't hear Josh Groban on the radio without balling either... so anyways, that's a big reason. All of the season I played through 02-03, I would look across to where she used to sit...and she wouldn't be there. It used to be I would look over, and either see her playing with a horribly attractive looks of concentration, or she would be staring back up at me and I'd make a face at her. <sigh> There's no more of that... Po, while entertaining was not a satisfactory substitute or replacement, unfortunately.

I acknowledge that a certain amount of patience is required from me. At times, I can manage the mental strength to fight the depression. Sometimes though... it wins -- like now; it's been beating me down since Saturday morning. There was an unfortunate (for me) exposure to things on Friday that served me a strong reminder of certain "used to be" things. I was privy to a fairly innocent exchange, but what I caught from that was the simple happiness of one person with another. Her excitement and what I'd call joie de vivre, over a relatively simple thing was so... well... reminiscent of my time in the light. She reminded me of me in days when I could share the simple joy of getting away getting pennies to work in a meter, or how I sweet-talked the car rental lady into not charging me the sub-25 surcharge (this was about 2 weeks back). She was just sharing a simple joy of life... with someone I can only assume she loves a lot. It was simple... beautiful even. There exists a certain level of emotional comfort between people before you can do that. They've got it. Sure it was gross... but that comes from my lacking, and NOT their having more than anything else. I dunno... it's hard to describe. There was just something so elegant and simple about how excited and childlike she was. I once spent about an hour fucking around with one of my airplane motors while Christina watched me... she spent the whole time grinning at my childness, and excitement. She told me that she never wanted me to stop doing that - having fun, and being a kid that is. I am afraid that I'm losing my kidness and turning into a stodgy adult. Somebody kill me when I turn into that.

Boundlessly frustrating... is what this shit is. On some level I know that I'm a decent fellow -- heck, good even. Yagh, yagh, I need patience and all that. I am just boggled though. I don't think it has anything to do with my behaviour either. Everybody I've met who only knows the brighter side of me never ever describes me as quite, shy or lacking in confidence. Either they can smell it (which is possible I suppose) or IT IS ME!? Whatevs. I just plain'ol can't figure it out. Some women adore me, as their coach, their friend, their confidante, advice giver, cheerer upper, but yet I have only ever in my whole entire life been hit-on ONCE, and while that took me on a priceless and painful path, it is one that nonetheless ended. UPDATE: Last attempt with real person... she's moved out of Vancouver to location - UNKNOWN. Huh. Anyhoo, I knew those stalker tendencies would catch up with me. Another nice target I picked out at the club, who has one of the bestest novice catches I have ever seen in my life, chastised me on Saturday. That was bad karma in terms of me working up the cojones for the 'ol phone number. Although... I guess her hands weren't that nice. Speaking of hands! Whoa nelly! I was struck by the sight of the nicest elegant hands lastnight at the most unlikely location. Who would have thought? Course, given her situation, I was certainly not going to compliment her about that. That would have been insanely creepy.

Oh yeah, right... so ONWARD to my 30's! WOOO!!!! While I am constantly reminded that I'm still young, it always seems like I'm behind the ball. Technically, a lot can happen in 5 years. What happened in the last 5? Feb 2000? 2nd year..., got tanked on my birthday... got a 49G from the prettiest girl ever... taking Fluids for the second time... worrying about coop jobs... and hopelessly in Love. I would have told you to fuck off if you told me that my parents would be divorced, I'd be living in a basment, working for a municpal consulting firm, and my Love passed. That really is a lot - n'est-pas? Oui. C'est ca.

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons ev’rywhere
I’ve looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on ev’ryone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s cloud illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all

Moons and junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev’ry fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way

But now it’s just another show
You leave ’em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away

I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living ev’ry day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all
I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

I just had this sort of stunning revelation that I derive the greatest amount of personal identity from my work as a coach and the relationships I've created therein. This is a generalization of course, but I am thinking that I am only in this engineering game because it's sometimes academically challenging -- but mainly it's a decent way to make an income so that I can coach for free. How do you folk define your personal value? Through your work? Through your relationships? I get my greatest sense of self, of pride, of confidence (most of the time) through coaching. Interesting....

I really want to go to bed but I have laundry in the drawer. If I don't take it out while it's still hot my pants will be all wrinkled, and I definitely don't want to iron anything... so, I gotta wait. Damnit. So I gotta blog instead. Yes, it's a verb. Firstly, let everyone know that I did not grow up in a household with traditional gender roles! Hmm... maybe that explains some stuff. I think it's pretty much a habit now for Sundays. For the last 2 to 3 months, on my way to Sunday rowing practice I have a wee cry. I take the scenic route down Pt. Grey Road, by the water and the 19 million people doing the R Unning Room clinics. It never ceases to remind me about the inherent beauty and unfairness in the world... that, and I suppose Sundays are always those lazy days... It's been raining like the shits and when I wake up to the drumming of rain... well... it kind of drives my memory of waking up a lot more secure. What was more peaceful than taking afternoon naps on rainy afternoons?... when the outside was so wet and dreary, and I was inside, so warm, secure and not alone?

That being said, I am on the verge of seeing some form of light at the end of these stupid tunnels. I flop back and forth between being able to deal with the depression and letting it deal me. Sometimes, I can talk myself out of the moods, if they're fairly minor issues, but the greater overall issue is still there. I think it really is a matter of patience for me. I am goddamned good at the things I enjoy doing, so for right now that's mostly just coaching. I am also a pretty good person, if somewhat inconsistent these days. I do have a lot to offer friends and who knows even a potential mate?

Urban hydrology... This creek is smack in the middle of Delta. The response time is stupidly fast, and here it is last week. As you can see that 900 mm culvert is slightly more than 1/2 full, and that 600 is shooting a nice noodle on the side. It's a pretty cool sight to see. That's a LOT of water in there moving really fast. The grade is around 10% for the last 20 meters. That's vaguely scary.

Thank the Lord Almighty that the channel protection is still there.... Those are riffles and step pools in case anybody is wondering.

I was going to write some long sad tale about myself, but I'm not. Instead, I am going to write about how proud I am of my parents -- both of them.

My dad is working on a website (finally!) and I've been looking through it and I am amazed at some of his work. Ok, so, sure he has a few monsterboxes, that he isn't proud of, but... there are some totally beautiful and awesome houses he's put up sometime in the last 25 years of practice. I never really quite realized how much he worked when I was a kid.... I mean he managed 7 million dollar construction projects by himself, and he's done it more than a few times! I mean WTF? That is some serious accomplishment.... and I find some happiness/peace/sadness in the fact that my dad builds HOMES. Let's write that again, he BUILDS HOMES, and maybe more significantly, he built MY HOME -- TWICE. I never gave him credit for his accomplishments, and I want to write here that I am proud of my Pops. The man has a few awards, and I think the one his is most proud of is the Vancouver Heritage Award for renovation of Dr. Shaunessy's house in ... Shaunessy. I can't really say how proud I am... I mean.... he started a professional practice with NOTHING, and raised 2 decent kids. It makes me sad now to know that his career is winding down... I can drive around Vancouver for a long time pointing out what he built... some of his houses will stand for a LONG time -- I know it. He will leave a legacy. He has built houses for families; he built homes for them. His clients have raised their kids in the homes he designed. I grew up in one too... I dunno... I can't figure out how to express myself quite right for this. My dad is a good architect. I can only hope to be as good a professional as he is. I hope he knows how proud I am of him. I am going to get some better pictures to put up. I was thinking to get some framed, and decorate my place with them.

This is the yard where I spent the toddling years. My dad snuck this onto his website. Instant tears.

He's still moderately cheezed that his name doesn't get to go on this, but he's the bit about the 90's.

Still reading? My mom... I couldn't be more proud of her either. Shipped off to UBC Dental School at 18, ESL, and a woman... I think that deserves a bit of credit. She and one other woman were the only 2 women in Dental school at that time. Dentisry used to be a bit of an oldboys club. A lot of the other students came from 1st careers, and here my mom was not speaky so much english and small and asian. She endured a lot of guff from "the guys"... and managed to make it through. My mom is really proud of herself too because she followed in my grandmother's footsteps of being a dentist. My mom's mom was a dentist in Taipei in the 30's to the 60's -- one of only VERY VERY few. There's a certain amount of satisfaction in knowing the historic strength in my family. I really hope I got some of those genes. My mom establishes a practice all by her lonesome too! She deserves mad props... I think this extract will explain things. I've met a few dentists in my rounds, and they all know who MY MOTHER IS! This women who used to come into my room in the mornings to kiss me goodbye EVERYDAY from ages 5 to 13... I think.

In conclusion... my parents have done good. I hope this doesn't seem like bragging, but when I look at what they have achieved over the course of their careers, I am awestruck, and motivated to do same.